Mom Guilt

We’ve all heard the phrase comparison is the thief of joy. As far as pocket wisdom goes, it’s pretty helpful. Most of us, I think, try to remember it, but none of us are perfect. From time to time most of us feel inadequate for one reason or another. Why can’t I pull off shoes like that? Why can’t I make people laugh like that? Do I have an interesting enough life? I wish I could go there for vacation. These, and so many other similar thoughts, sneak their way into most people’s minds despite our best efforts every so often. The important thing is that we try.

I thought I had a decent enough handle on those sneaky thoughts. Then I had a baby. Enter the infamous “mom guilt.”

image: Jenna Chopak Photography

Even while pregnant I had my fair share of worry — were we doing everything to ensure the best possible care for our baby boy? The number of hours I spent trying to decide on those big baby products like the stroller and monitor is embarrassing. I’d come close to making a decision, and then I’d second guess myself, and worry and fret my way back to the beginning of the process. That constant prickle of worry in the back of my mind didn’t go away once Baby J arrived. Instead, it became more concrete — Were we doing as much tummy time as other parents? Reading to him as much as other parents? Breastfeeding as well as other parents? Helping him sleep as well as other parents? The list goes on and on. Never mind wondering if other people think I am a good mom. Do my parents? My in-laws? The moms at my Mommy & Baby group? If you’re also a parent, I’m sure this feels all too familiar.

Having a C-section didn’t help matters. When you are discharged after having a C-section, you’re usually told not to lift anything heavier than your baby. When your baby is a whopping almost 11 pounds instead of a cute 7 pounds 6 ounces, the OB tells you not to even lift your baby. I spent the first few weeks of my child’s life with my husband taking on most of his care because I couldn’t lift him. And even if I could, I could barely get out of bed that first week or two anyway without a binder tightly wrapped around my abdomen to tie my insides back together. Or at least that's what it felt like. So Austin did the diapers, the burping, the rocking, and more while I fed our baby and worked on healing. Don’t get me wrong, I am SO thankful for Austin and the selfless way he took care of both me AND our child — and for our family that was around to help in those first couple of weeks — but it did make me wonder, Am I doing enough for my baby? Am I a good mom? Or even Is my baby as bonded to me as much as to his dad? As time went on, and I was cleared to lift my baby, to baby carry, and eventually return to normal movement, we began to share care for our son more and more and those fears lost some of their power. But even now, if Austin is changing our son’s diaper or putting him down for a nap and I hear him cry, I feel that instant pang in my chest and wonder, Should I be doing more? Am I a good mom?

This week the mom guilt really hit home as on Monday morning I snuggled my boy one last time before sending him with his dad off to daycare. The apartment was empty except for me, my cats, and my thoughts. Admittedly the cats loved it but I couldn’t help missing my little boy. Of course, I wondered if I was doing the right thing for him. If I loved him so much, shouldn’t I have him home with me? I realized ultimately mom guilt is rooted in love.

That’s not to say if you don’t have mom guilt, you don’t love your child enough — though believing that sounds like an easy recipe for a large serving of it! As a mom, I love this little life in my care with every fiber of my being. Love is the most important thing I can provide my baby. Love drives everything we do, every choice we make: the snuggles, the choice of daycare, the feeding, the (attempted!) nap schedule, the books, the lullabies, more snuggles. You get the picture. It doesn’t really matter whether he has the trendiest baby gear, wears all organic clothes, or has the perfect baby schedule. So when that pesky ‘Am I a good enough mom?' question wiggles its way into my head and heart, the answer is always yes. Yes, yes, yes. No one can love my son the way I have always and will always love him.

So for any of us moms dealing with mom guilt, it really doesn’t matter if someone gives you unsolicited baby advice or doesn’t like the aesthetic of your baby books or toys. Sure those things are annoying, but ultimately they don’t matter. You know and you love your child best. I know that my love for my son drives our family choices. My love is why I will always be the best mom for Baby J. Sure, mom guilt will sneak in now and again because that’s how life goes, but remembering how much I love my son, the way his face lights up in the massive grin when he sees me first thing in the morning or the way he snuggles up to me after feeding, is how I banish it. Well, at least for the afternoon.