Motherhood Is
I started this reflection around Mother’s Day, but life became increasingly hectic as the weeks dragged on, and these thoughts lingered in my drafts folder. My original inspiration for this piece on motherhood obviously was Mother’s Day, but even after that day passed, I continued to reflect on my experiences. After all, motherhood is not something I only do on Mother’s Day. That said, I’ve had several reasons to continue to meditate on this topic, most significantly being my son’s first birthday fast approaching. And, quite suddenly, it’s almost here.
This last year has changed me. It’s challenged and softened and strengthened me. It’s made me the woman I was always meant to be. But, like life itself, I don’t think motherhood has a definite starting point — it’s more nebulous and more miraculous than that. My motherhood journey started long before the day my son made his appearance in that hospital. Instead, it’s when my heart first began to take on the shape of a mother’s heart. My first pregnancy — and its loss — radically changed me and how I thought of myself. Discovering I was expecting Baby J changed me yet again. And then when he was in my arms, that mother’s heart expanded with each passing moment.
I’ve realized over the last several years — especially this last year — that motherhood is no one thing. It’s many. So here are a few things that, in my experience, motherhood is.
Motherhood is waking up in the middle of the night, thrashing around in bed, looking for the baby, only to remember that his father put him back in the bassinet already.
Motherhood is marveling at your first load of baby laundry, and all the tiny clothes the baby rolling around in your stomach will wear in a few weeks.
Motherhood is the sense of peace while watching your husband read to your baby.
Motherhood is love.
Motherhood is ensuring there are enough baby food pouches to send with the baby to daycare in the morning.
Motherhood is leaving the hospital no longer pregnant, while wishing with all your soul that the pregnancy you carried for so many weeks had formed a proper embryo instead of a tumor.
Motherhood is falling in love with the man of your dreams and realizing that you want to have a family with him — after having no thought of it your entire adult life.
Motherhood is chasing after your son on hands and knees because nothing makes him laugh harder than watching his parents get on his level.
Motherhood is joyous.
Motherhood is scooping your son up in your arms and covering him with kisses when he falls over.
Motherhood is that positive test result, the one you need your husband to come and confirm because you can’t believe it.
Motherhood is letting your husband watch your son for a few minutes after dinner while you close your eyes for a few precious minutes.
Motherhood is seeing a baby rabbit in the town park and wondering where its mother is, and if it’ll be alright.
Motherhood is questioning whether sending your three-month-old baby off to daycare is the right decision after all when you miss him so much after five minutes — and then feeling guilty at how nice it is to have the apartment to yourself.
Motherhood is no longer fitting into your favorite jeans.
Motherhood is seeing a mom cooing at her baby in the grocery store and wondering when — or if — that will ever be you.
Motherhood is counting your baby kicks inside you at two am after you wake up in a dead panic that he hasn’t moved enough.
Motherhood is exhausting.
Motherhood is texting all your baby’s achievements and mishaps to the mom-friend text thread because no one gets it like another mom. Or preferably several other moms.
Motherhood is wondering how much money is acceptable to spend on cute baby clothes. (Spoiler: there is no limit.)
Motherhood is the desperate hope that this month might be different after months of negative pregnancy tests.
Motherhood is having the strength to nurse and pump through two separate bouts of norovirus.
Motherhood is tip-toeing into the nursery before you go to bed to give your baby one last kiss good night.
Motherhood is laughing at your baby’s laugh and smiling at your baby’s smile.
Motherhood is the thrill of seeing your baby reach a new milestone, while also grieving all the little baby things he’ll never do again.
Motherhood is having your arms and heart unbelievably full with the squirming, sweet child you waited so long for, while still longing for another little one.
Motherhood is a paradox. And miraculous. And the greatest identity I’ll ever know.
